Cupid's Stupid
by Nymbis
Summary: When Jimena meets Eros, son of the goddess of beauty and romance, she discovers that not only is love blind, it’s also incredibly dimwitted. Jimena x Lambert. Crack fic, if you couldn’t already tell by the pairing.
1. The Shot Heard Round the World

_Cupid's Stupid_

**AN: **Well, I've been in a funk lately with writing DOTM, so I thought I'd do something absolutely batshit to hopefully jog a few ounces of creativity out of my skull. This…was the end product. Three parts, enjoy!

**Additional Note: **Eros (pronounced air ross) is the Greek name for Cupid, the son of Aphrodite who shot people with arrows that made them fall in love, yadda yadda yadda. I figured if Selene has her children on Earth, the other deities probably do too, right?

**The Shot Heard Round the World**

"Oh, shoot," The young man muttered to himself as he stared intently at the scrap of paper he had found in the back of his jeans' pocket, "Mom is going to _kill _me."

It seemed rather insignificant, the folded up and creased piece of notebook paper that only had two names on it, but Eros, or just Ross as he was called now, knew better.

Ross _knew _he had forgotten one of his chores, and he slammed a palm against his forehead. Of course he forgot the important one!

Ross was one of those boys who would forever be regarded as adorable. Not handsome, not sexy, not even attractive, just adorable. His face, framed by curly gold locks of hair, had perpetual baby cheeks and his wide, naïve blue eyes reminded someone instantly of a puppy that had just piddled on the floor. You wanted to kick it, but it was just too _cute._

Ross was a minor Greek deity, an important one at that.

Really, he was.

But he wasn't too bright all the time.

Which explained why he was running about two years late on an important assignment his mother, Aphrodite- Goddess of Beauty, Love, and Generally Most Pleasant And/Or Sparkly Things, had given to him to complete.

On the paper were the two names that would bring everlasting peace between the battle of Selene and the Atrox. Their love would halt the turmoil of the cosmos, and make everyone a little less pissed off in the process. Aphrodite had ordered this to be done because she was just about fed up to her little sparkling tiara- Selene and the Atrox were totally destroying her best matchmaking work! There had been Penelope and Hector- **Ruined**. Catty and Chris- **Ruined**. Veto and Jimena- **Ruined**. Lambert and Aura- well, she'd settle for a tie, since one was now a weird spectral thing and the other found that oddly kinky. Tianna and Derek- **Ruined**. Catty and Kyle-

Ha. Like she touched _that _one.

Anyways, it wasn't just her that was a bit miffed. All the Gods and Goddesses were just _so _sick of all the _drama_between those two. There hadn't been squabbling like this in Olympus since that whole 'Shotgun Wedding to Persephone' tiff between Demeter and Hades.

Making these two people fall in love would solve all the problems, eventually. After all, Aphrodite's forced relationships always worked out in the end, right? (Paris and Helen, Ariadne and Theseus, Hades and Persephone, Persephone and Adonis, Zeus and his harem, and all the others don't count. She was framed.)

So it was decided, Eros would make an immortal Follower and a Daughter of the Moon fall hopelessly in love and every thing would be wonderful! Make love, not war- that was the cult of Aphrodite's motto! (One a few Greek deities, such as a certain King of the Gods, took a bit too far)

Ross dug out his mystical, collapsible bow and arrow- dusting it off slightly to give it that ole romanticizing shine, and quickly rushed off to find his targets. To make amends for his approximate two years of slacking.

It didn't take Ross long to discover two Daughters of the Moon battling two Followers in a dark alley. Carefully, he hid behind an aluminum trash can and surveyed his targets. His wide eyes looked at the goddesses. They were breathtaking, one with dark hair and eyes and another with hair dyed crayola red with green eyes. Surely one of these was the one that was meant to fall in love with a Follower?

Ross, not exactly dedicated to his job of constantly shooting people with mystical arrows, decided to do eeney meeney miny moe. His pudgy, child-like finger selected the dark haired goddess. Right, one down.

His stare then went to the Followers, and he cringed. Neither of them were exactly good looking. One appeared to be in his middle ages with shoulder-length white hair, and the other had odd, two-toned hair with a face so covered in hooks it looked like a tackle box. Sighing, he repeated his careful selection process, his finger landing on the older one.

Nodding and congratulating himself on a job well done, Ross notched a golden arrow and his fingers drew back his Bow of Lurve, eyes narrowed as he aimed carefully…

OoO

"Why, oh why, can't we just go out for a few hours like _normal_people?" Serena demanded crossly as she tried to distract Lambert in a mental battle.

Jimena just sighed sadly and dodged a fist from Tymmie, the two had been involved in a fight with the pair of Infidi Followers ever since they had bumped into them outside of Planet Bang, and it was beginning to get a trifle annoying as their energy was dwindling.

Jimena's guard slipped, and she felt Tymmie begin to worm his way into her mind, "Serena, a little help?" She cried quickly.

Serena retreated from her telepathic battle and immediately tried to release the hold the telepathic Follower had over her best friend.

Lambert, seizing the opportunity of Serena's distraction, decided to gather a vast amount of energy and knock Jimena out from behind while she was under Tymmie's influence.

Just as Lambert was about to unleash hell in the form of a deadly lighting bolt on the poor, unsuspecting precognitive Daughter of the Moon, he felt himself freeze simultaneously as something pierced him rather harshly in the ass.

Jimena whirled around, Serena having broken the hold Tymmie had over her by hitting him in the head with a nearby brick. Pacifist code be damned, Tymmie was creepy.

Confusion appeared on her face when she realized that Lambert had a rather glazed over look on his features. Tensing, she brought her fists up in a defensive position and waited for him to make his move.

Lambert seemed overcome with emotion as he stared at her, "You…"

Jimena's fingers flexed, her amulet flashed dangerously.

"Have _beautiful _eyes," Lambert continued, a dopey smile on his face as his head tilted in consideration.

Said beautiful eyes almost bugged out of their sockets, and before Jimena could process what he said, her left fist connected strongly against his stomach.

The leader of the Infidi gave a wistful sigh, "And such wonderful upper body strength," He muttered flirtatiously, sinking to his knees and groaning in pain.

Jimena turned and glared at Serena over her shoulder, "What the **hell **was that?" She demanded.

The green eyed goddess could only stare in horror, mouth hanging wide open.

Ross smiled from behind his cover, quite proud of himself for helping the evil but redeemable Follower Stanton find true love with the Goddess Serena.


	2. Livestock for Love!

_Cupid's Stupid_

**Livestock for Love!**

Catty sighed in general discontent as she heard her phone ringing off of the hook. She groaned, and instead of answering it, settled for plastering her comforter over her head and trying to go back to sleep.

But the phone was an insistent little bastard, and Catty felt herself succumbing to the masochistic whims of telecommunications.

"Eh…" She muttered into the receiver slowly.

"_Catty! I need your help,"_ Demanded an annoyed sounding Jimena from the other side.

Catty hesitantly blinked away her sleep and her gaze landed on the alarm clock across her bedroom, "Jimena, it's three in the morning."

"_I know, but _he _won't get off my lawn!" _

Catty wondered if this was some sort of odd, lucid dream. The absence of several hunky men serving her daiquiris on a beach somewhere led her to the depressing conclusion that it wasn't, "Who won't get off your lawn?"

"_Lambert!"_

This caused the time traveler to jerk wide awake, "Is he trying to attack you at home?" She asked, frantic worry creeping into her tone.

"…_not exactly."_

Catty shook her head to clear her mind, "What's going on?"

There was the sound of an exasperated sigh, before Jimena mumbled, _"I don't know, but apparently it involves a lot of livestock."_

Catty blinked, trying to process this, "Like…sheep?"

"_Like sheep, cows, pigs, and chickens."_

"Lambert…is on your lawn…with sheep?" She spelled out slowly, wondering if she had downed one too many dream daiquiris.

"_Just get over here."_

OoO

Ross whistled on the way to his mom's bachelorette pad, a general brevity in his step as he knocked on the apartment door.

It opened with what sounded suspiciously like chimes and a few baby birds flew out for good measure as Ross was bathed in ethereal, golden light.

"Enter," Came the sing-song voice of Aphrodite.

"I'm home!" Ross called as he took off his winged sandals in politeness as well as setting his golden, collapsible Bow of Lurve against the wall near the door.

"Oh, Eros." The sing-song voice was replaced with a raspy deadpan, followed by a forlorn sigh, "I was hoping it was Ares. I needed some man-meat."

Ross choked on his spit and grimaced, cursing Zeus for bestowing on him such a promiscuous harlot for a mother. He trudged forward, where Aphrodite was sprawled out on a couch, eating a few grapes.

"I finished the task you set me," He beamed, trying to quickly shift the conversation's subject.

Aphrodite rolled a fat grape between her fingers before popping it in her mouth, "What task, honey?"

"The important one to make Serena and Stanton fall love." Ross explained, his chest puffing out slightly.

His mother stared at him for a few beats, before she burst out into peals of laughter. Her heavenly voice attracted all the small, furry animals in a five mile radius to her apartment building, "You're _so _precious sometimes!"

Ross's eyebrows screwed together, "What do you mean?"

Aphrodite rolled her eyes, "I knew you'd just forget about it, so I gave you an assignment that I had already done."

Ross blinked ever so slowly, "Why would you give me a useless task?"

"To get you out of the house, kids tend to frighten off most single men," Aphrodite said off handedly.

"But…if _you _already shot Stanton and Serena…then," Ross was trying really hard to connect the dots. Really, he was.

"Eros, could you go get me some more grapes," Aphrodite said blankly, jabbing Ross in the side with the now empty container.

"If Serena and Stanton are already in love…then…"

The Goddess of Love poked Ross in the side with the basket again.

"That would mean…"

The poking became more enthused.

"That one man…"

"GRAPES DAMNIT!" Aphrodite hollered, tossing the basket so it landed on Ross's head.

Well, there's nothing that could irrevocably shatter a line of thought like a wicker basket to the skull. Ross shrugged off that nagging little voice at the back of his mind, and absently went to go get his mommy some more grapes.

OoO

Catty stared at the spectacle outside of Jimena's apartment window in something close to terror. Behind her were a severely traumatized Serena and a rather perturbed ex gangster.

"How…how long has he been like this?"

"Two hours," Growled Jimena, "Probably after he regained consciousness."

Catty felt her eyes widen as she stared at the front lawn, where there was a supremely powerful overlord surrounded by friendly looking barn animals. He appeared to be petting a cow. "What does he want?"

"You think I'm crazy enough to talk to him?" Jimena proclaimed in astonishment.

Serena seemed to be rather contemplative, "He's been acting…off, ever since our last scuffle. Jimena, did you do anything to him?"

She shook her head violently, "Hell no!"

Catty blinked, "He told you that you have beautiful eyes?" She echoed Serena's story dumbly.

"And wonderful upper body strength," Jimena muttered, obviously not amused.

Their awed questions were interrupted by a powerful voice.

"I would like to speak to the man of this household!" Cried Lambert from outside, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"It's four in the morning, go screw yourself!" Yelled back one of Jimena's less-than-friendly neighbors.

"I wish to pursue a courtship!" Lambert pressed, "I've brought more than enough for the dowry!"

Catty's eyes practically bugged out of their sockets, "Dowry…as in-"

"As in something to pay for a wife?!" Serena proclaimed.

"No one does that anymore!" Catty declared.

The telepathic Daughter winced, "Well, technically, Lambert is from the Middle Ages-"

"I humbly request the hand of Jimena Castillo for holy matrimony." Continued the voice from outside.

Jimena paled, "You _got _to be shitting me."

Catty couldn't help it, she began to snicker, "Vanessa's going to be _so _pissed that she missed this because she was on vacation."

"Not. Helping." Grit Jimena from between her teeth, she swerved to face her best friend, "What should I do?"

Serena tried desperately to recollect her hanging jaw, "If this is some type of trap…it's the stupidest one I've ever seen." She reasoned quietly.

"Oh Jimena, glistening drop of summer morning dew, you are the kindling to the flames within my soul and the electrical impulses that keep my heart still beating!" Lambert had moved on to metaphorical wooing.

Jimena was beginning to look quite ill.

"When I look into your obsidian eyes of the purest onyx, I see the ineffable chasms that my life would suffer if you were absent from it-"

Catty began to laugh violently, knowing that was all one could do in a situation as bizarre as this one.

"Lambert is _horrible _at poetry," Serena whispered, artistically insulted that such a creature was even allowed to exist.

Lambert had now resorted to singing popular eighties love ballads, _"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without yoouuu-"_

"That's **it.**" Jimena declared rolling up her sleeves, "I'm getting to the bottom of this **now.**"

With that, she proceeded to storm dramatically out of the apartment, leaving her two friends gaping in amazement.

"Should we…go help her?" Serena queried.

Catty paused in consideration, "Naw. I'll go make popcorn."

OoO

Jimena heaved as she stomped down the building's stairway to reach the ground floor. Thousands of angry threats drifted through her mind as she thought up a way to make Lambert regret ever coming within a two hundred foot radius of her. The bastard had the _gall _to intrude upon her home and invade her personal life too!

She slammed open the building's door with more than enough force as she clenched her fists, strolling up towards Lambert who was still singing at the open apartment window.

"Listen here, asshole, if you think you can just-" Jimena found her voice falter when she observed Lambert more closely.

The evil leader of the _Infidi _turned and his face brightened when he lay eyes upon his lady love, "Beautiful goddess that haunts my ever cryptic dreams, I have longed for your presence-"

Jimena stared at him blankly, a finger pointing at Lambert's, rather nice, derrière, "You have an arrow sticking out of your butt."

Lambert paid the obstruction in his tush no heed as he kneeled down, clasping one of Jimena's hands and lowering his head, "My fair lady, I am prepared to pledge my eternal devotion to you-"

"You. Have. An. Arrow. In. Your. Ass," Jimena pressed.

"And if there are no reservations, I would like to begin my courtship-"

"What's going on?" She heard Serena yell down.

Jimena grimaced when she noticed that Lambert had pursed his lips and was beginning to kiss the back of her hand. Quickly, she lifted her foot up and promptly kicked him in the face ("Boundless leg strength as well? Surely, I have been blessed by the Gods!").

"Lambert's got an arrow in his ass!" She cried back.

A pause, then, "What does it look like?"

Jimena felt her jaw go slack. Catty was so _freaking _weird sometimes, "Who cares what it looks like? It's a goddamn arrow in his as- STOP TRYING TO KISS MY HAND!"

One of the sheep Lambert had brought with him was beginning to nuzzle Jimena's leg.

"Humor me," Catty yelled back.

Jimena sighed and observed Lambert's bum, her foot the only barricade between her poor, innocent skin and the slobbering fiend of evil, "It's gold, with a little heart on the end-" She paled when realization dawned upon her, "Oh god, it's one of those kinky sex things isn't it?!" She hollered in disgust as she kicked Lambert away strongly.

There was silence before Serena called down, "We're going down."

"Your mother goes down!" Snarled Jimena's not-so-friendly neighbor again, "It's four in the morning!"

A few footsteps later, and Jimena found herself two allies in protecting herself from Lambert. Catty's eyes widened when she saw the golden arrow protruding from Lambert's sweet ass.

"I've seen one of those before!" She cried excitedly.

Serena and Jimena both turned to stare at Catty with horror. Catty was so _freaking _weird.

"Not like that!" She defended quickly, "Chris had one!"

Yet again she was met with that stare.

"Goddesses, normally I would flay the skin from your bones and take a grand delight in your cries of pain and suffering, but I shall restrain myself because you miscreants are important to my ever shining goddess," Lambert greeted politely.

Serena blinked, "Um, thanks."

"It's a love arrow!" Catty was still desperately trying to explain.

Jimena winced, "Catty, your personal life is your personal life, you don't need to defend your fetishes-"

Catty slammed her palm against her forehead, turning to face Serena, "Stanton had one too, didn't he?"

"Stanton! I hate him with the passion of a thousand angry hornets," Lambert faced Jimena, his features solemn, "I would gladly destroy him for you, as a proof of my dedication."

Jimena appeared to contemplate this for a moment.

"Jimena," Serena growled in warning, "Do _not _take advantage of a creepy man's devotion to kill off my boyfriend."

Jimena gave a disgruntled, "Fine," before turning to Lambert, "That unfortunately won't be necessary."

Catty was feeling her patience dwindle dangerously low, "Serena! Stanton had an arrow in his ass when you first met him, didn't he?"

Serena colored slightly, "I wouldn't know, I've never seen Stanton's butt."

Jimena, Catty, and even Lambert stared at her with disbelief.

"What? I'm saving myself for marriage!"

The silence stretched.

"I don't need to prove anything to you!" Serena cried, obviously flustered.

Jimena rolled her eyes and Lambert gave a cough that sounded awfully close to 'denial'.

Catty scoffed, "Well, _anyways,_ Chris had one when we first met, I asked Maggie about it and she said it was from Cupid."

"Cupid." Jimena deadpanned. Lambert tried to take advantage of her distraction and attempted to kiss her hand again. He was met with a fist to the jaw. "Cut that shit out!"

"Your aggressive tendencies only make me desire you more," Lambert purred.

Jimena felt a bit of bile rise in her throat.

"Maggie said that the son of Aphrodite lives on earth to bring love and goodness to people," Catty explained.

"Through arrows," Jimena mumbled.

"Yep."

"In the butt."

"Yep."

Serena helped Jimena pry the sexually deprived maniac away, after all, what were best friends for? "So how do we fix it?"

Catty appeared introspective, "Can anyone 'fix' true love? Perhaps this was simply meant to be."

If looks could kill, Jimena would have been putting her shovel away by now.

Catty coughed weakly, "Right. Well, I suppose we could go look for him?"

Lambert was now trying to hand Jimena a chicken, "My lady love, take this poultry as a token of my unyielding affection."

Jimena's teeth were gritting intensely, "Oh, let's."

**OoO**

Part three will be up in a few days, hope that you're liking it so far!


	3. Extraction Action

_Cupid's Stupid_

**Extraction Action**

"Is there a way for you to, I don't know, get rid of him?" Catty asked nervously, her eyes darting behind them a few times.

To her side, Jimena groaned, "I can't help it, he keeps following me around!"

"Well, it's not exactly discrete, people are starting to give us weird looks." Catty murmured in exasperation.

"Can you blame them? It's not everyday a creepy, pale, old man follows around three teenage girls spouting romantic pledges." Serena mumbled, "The fact that the sheep and chickens are following him aren't helping matters."

The girls had taken to the streets of Los Angeles in a desperate manner to try and locate the source of all of their problems- Cupid. The streets were crowded, but a path had cleared for the girls, mainly due to Jimena's current love slave.

Lambert trailed behind the group, trying desperately to knit and walk at the same time, determined to make Jimena a sweater made with love. Behind him walked the livestock that he had gathered to pay for Jimena's dowry. They appeared right at home in the hustle and bustle of inner city life, a goat even taking the liberty to crap near a parking meter.

"How are we supposed to find him?" Jimena growled in frustration.

Catty tapped a finger to her chin, "If I remember correctly, he was a short little guy with blond hair."

"Great, that really narrows it down in a city with over a million people. Thanks for that," Jimena snipped.

Catty turned her nose up, "There's no need for _sarcasm._"

Serena had a calculating aura about her, "Why don't we just look for more people with arrows in their bums?"

Catty rolled her eyes, "Just what we need, more raving, lovesick lunatics."

As if on cue, Lambert chose that moment to give Jimena the completed love sweater, it was teal in color, "Here my dearest, allow me- your protective man- to shield you from the cold," He cooed, beginning to place the sweater over her head.

Jimena's response was to jab her elbow backwards into his stomach, "Lambert personal boundaries are important. When you cross them, I will hurt you." She said through clenched teeth as the same goat who had crapped on a parking meter began to absently chew on the love sweater.

"I love your inability to solve things with words," Lambert gushed, sinking to his knees and breathing painfully.

Serena coughed uncomfortably into her hand, before picking back up on her theory, "If we follow people with arrows, eventually we'll find someone who can lead us to the source."

Catty mused on this, "That's vague enough to work."

Jimena threw her hands up into the air with frustration, "At this point, I'm ready to accept any asinine scheme."

The three, four if you counted Lambert and twenty if you counted his livestock, spent the afternoon wandering aimlessly through Los Angeles in search of a person who had been arrowed where the sun don't shine. It was beginning to look hopeless, as everyone in Los Angeles appeared to be too preoccupied with cell phones for love.

After about two hours, it happened.

"Hey, that guy has an arrow sticking out of his ass!" Serena suddenly cried, pointing at a young man's back. He was lanky, with dark hair, and he was currently embracing a young girl with blonde hair. The girls couldn't see their faces from where they were.

"Get him!" Snarled Jimena, charging forward.

It was Catty, nimble sprinter that she was, that reached them first. Quickly, she grabbed the guy's shoulder and whirled him around, "Hey, we're looking for Cup-Holy shit Karyl?!" She cried in disbelief when she realized who she had grabbed. Her eyes protruded even more from her skull when she saw who he was groping, "VANESSA?!"

Sure enough, Vanessa, the invisible-turning Daughter of the Moon, and just been feverishly making out with Karyl, creepy lurking Follower guy.

"Oh shit," Whispered Vanessa, raking fingers desperately through her disheveled hair, "Catty, I can explain-"

"You said you were on vacation!" Shrilled Catty, horror on her face.

Jimena and Serena jogged up, Lambert following them closely, "What's going on?" Serena asked, her eyes widened when she recognized the ass the arrow belonged to.

Jimena wasn't slow on the uptake, "Vanessa what are you doing here, I thought you were on vacation-" She choked when she put two and two together, "Oh hell no!"

Karyl just kind of stood there awkwardly, swaying slightly as he tried to control his hormonal urges to start lovin' on blondie again.

"When the hell did this happen!" Catty cried, betrayal and a slight nausea apparent in her tone.

Vanessa blushed, "…on vacation," She mumbled guiltily, "Turns out Karyl likes to spend his free time getting facials at the same spa my mom and I go to."

Everyone turned to look at Karyl, who shrugged, "I have large pores and combination skin." Was all he said bluntly.

Jimena felt rage encompassing her, "You're making out with a _Follower?_ Serena was bad enough, but you too!" She snarled.

Vanessa pouted, "Why are you yelling at me? If my eyes aren't deceiving me, that's Lambert who is totally eye raping you right now!"

Jimena whirled around and soundly punched Lambert in the face, again. "What did I tell you about personal boundaries!" She cried as he slumped to the ground.

Serena, seeing that things were quickly escalating out of control, chose that moment to intervene, "Karyl, did you see who, um, shot your rear?"

Karyl thought, a strain for him, for a second, "Uh, yeah. That short blond kid?"

Jimena turned to Catty for confirmation, she nodded, still looking as if she needed to puke badly.

"Did you see where he went afterwards?" Jimena demanded.

Karyl scratched his head, "Why are you looking for him?"

Jimena jerked a thumb back at the semi-conscious overlord, "Because this sicko wants me to marry him."

Vanessa smiled, "Congratulations!"

Serena shook her head solemnly, "No, Vanessa. Just no."

"And we think he knows how to remove this freaky little love spell," Jimena concluded.

Karyl blinked, "Oh, okay then." He pointed at a large skyscraper that was conveniently located across the street, "He lives with his mom. Top floor, fifth room on the left."

Serena stared at him in amazement, "How do you know this?"

Karyl shrugged.

Catty turned to her best friend, "If you come with us, I'm sure we can get him to fix this…this…horrible, horrible testament to mankind." She said, gesturing to Karyl who gave a dopey little wave.

Vanessa fidgeted with her collar slightly, blushing, "Um, well, you see-"

"What are we waiting for, let's go get this creep attraction removed from us," Jimena declared, grabbing Vanessa around the wrist. She was surprised when the blonde girl stood rooted to the spot.

"I can't go with you guys," Vanessa said quickly.

Catty gaped at her, "Why the hell not?" She proclaimed.

"I, um, have a thing," She stammered.

Serena's eyes narrowed, "A thing?"

"Yep…so…I'm sorry, but this thing's kind of long and only Karyl knows where to stick- er take me so Ihavetogosorrybye!" Vanessa said quickly, latching onto Karyl and turning both of them invisible.

The three teenagers stared at that spot with no small amount of fear.

"Well…" Jimena ventured hesitantly, "I'm going to repress the overall trauma of this moment for right now and pretend it never happened."

Catty shook her head, "But Vanessa's-"

"Repressing," Jimena said levelly.

"And Karyl-"

"Repressed." Jimena words held deadly finality.

Catty opened her mouth to protest, but Serena cut her off.

"Lambert's coming to," She observed, as the older man pried himself off of the concrete.

"Oh my dearest love, I understand that you wish to demonstrate your affections through the use of fists, but surely next time you could avoid my dazzling face?" He groaned, rubbing the sore spot on his chin.

"No," Jimena responded bluntly, turning to face the skyscraper, "Let's go."

Catty shivered, still unable to separate the image of Karyl slobbering all over her poor, innocent Vanessa from her mind. Finally, she felt Serena's hands on her shoulders as she began to steer Catty towards the skyscraper.

"Don't worry Catty, soon this will all be over," Serena murmured comfortingly.

Catty shook her head, "How are you not grossed out by all of this?!"

Serena stared vacantly into the distance, "I'm on heavy medications at the moment."

Catty blinked, "…I see."

Serena smiled, "Well, let's go remove the stick from Lambert's ass."

OoO

Ross smiled as he removed his Styrofoam bowl of Easy Mac from the apartment's microwave, a jaunty little tune whistling out between his lips as he mixed in the powdered cheese. It was a lovely day, and Ross was looking forward to having an afternoon with the apartment all to himself. Mommy had gone to an important business meeting with a man from the auto mechanic shop, which Ross thought was odd, considering she didn't own a car.

The boy shrugged and plopped down onto a well-worn couch before flipping on the television and catching up on the latest episode of Dora the Explorer. Ross loved Dora the Explorer.

Needless to say, Ross was a bit surprised when the door to mommy's apartment collapsed, revealing a rather displeased Daughter of the Moon in the entryway. He tilted his head to the side.

"Hi can I help you?" He asked cheerily, not recognizing the girl from earlier. Ross had a highly selective memory, one that didn't tend to linger on mistakes he had made in the past.

The Daughter turned around, grabbed some man- who was being followed by some barnyard animals- by the neck and tossed him inside the apartment. The man seemed highly pleased that the girl was touching him as she whirled him around and jerked a thumb at his tush.

"Are you the one responsible for this?" She demanded impatiently.

Ross noted that one of his arrows was in his butt, he shrugged, "I guess, want some macaroni?" He offered, rising up the bowl.

The girl stared at him incredulously, "No thanks."

"Oh," Ross looked down sadly at his bowl, before smiling again, "My name's Ross."

The girl continued to stare, "That's nice. My name's Jimena."

Just then, two girls arrived as well. Ross waved. They waved back slowly.

Serena stared at Jimena, "Can he fix him?"

Jimena shrugged, "I don't know." She paused and faced the boy who really did not look like a Greek deity, "Can you make this man stop being in love with me?"

The man laughed, "Oh my chocolate muffin, I could never stop being in love with you. It's like asking the sun not to rise, the tides not to rise, the mail to be delivered promptly-"

Ross smiled wider, "That's sweet."

Jimena's gaze hardened, "No. It's horribly, horribly creepy and I want it gone _now._"

The boy scratched the back of his head, "But love is destined-"

"NOT THIS ONE!" Jimena snarled with a bit more venom than intended.

The boy backed into his couch out of fear, "Why not?"

Catty decided to intervene. Even if the kid had irrevocably screwed up Jimena's personal life, he was _adorable _and it was apparent that Jimena was scaring the prepubescent crap out of him, "This man's Lambert, he's a hopeless incarnate of evil that until recently wanted to kill us all," She paused before adding in for good measure, "And he hit me with lighting once."

Ross mulled this over, "That doesn't sound very nice."

"No, Lambert's not a very nice guy," Serena supplied.

Lambert, seeming to notice the way the conversation was going, quickly groveled at Jimena's feet, "I'll change! My love for you will overcome all of my past transgressions! The beauty of your smile has redeemed my _soul-_"

Jimena grimaced, "Ugh, get him off me." She said, shoving Lambert away and facing Ross, "How do we stop this?" She demanded.

Ross stared at them dumbly, "You just pull it out."

There was a collective blinking in disbelief.

"Pull it out?" Serena echoed numbly.

Ross smiled cheerfully and nodded with youthful innocence, "Yep!"

Jimena could feel the brain cells dying, "That's it?"

Ross continued to smile blankly, "I'll do it!" He volunteered, practically skipping up towards Lambert who eyed the small deity with general hatred, "This is going to sting!"

With that, his boyishly pudgy hands wrapped around the shaft, and with one smooth pull, it was extracted from Lambert's bum. A shower of golden sparkles erupted from the wound, making it look as if Lambert were cosmically farting.

Lambert gave a strangled howl, hands clutching the sore spot tenderly, before his surroundings seemed to register. A look of complete horror crossed his features when he laid eyes on Jimena, "Oh _shit._"

Jimena's mouth was twisted into a snarl of distaste, "Oh shit indeed."

Trying to muster up whatever dignity he had left, which, after realizing his evil robes were covered in barnyard feces, was very little, he straightened his posture, "Just because I proposed does not mean I will not hesitate to destroy you."

Jimena cracked her knuckles, "Your proposing to me makes me want to destroy you even more."

Lambert tilted his head up pompously, "Then we understand each other."

Jimena's eyes darkened dangerously, "You're damn right."

Lambert brushed off some straw from his dark robes and prepared to leave, "Next time we meet, I will surely lighting bolt you in the face."

Jimena snorted, "Like you could even try, you strange, twisted man."

He scoffed in response, and prepared to make a dramatic exit, his cloak billowing behind him as he strode out with confidence. Some of the barnyard animals trailed after him.

However, as Lambert was walking away from them, he couldn't help the tinniest of blushes that crawled up his face, "She called me a _man._"

Silence reigned as the four offspring of random Greek deities eyed the doorway with relief, confusion, and in Serena's case, a valium induced blankness.

"So…" Ross trailed off, "Are you sure you don't want any macaroni and cheese?"

Catty eyed the boy before sighing, "Sure, I'll have some."

Serena smiled, "Me too."

Jimena shook her head, about to protest violently, until she saw what was on the television, "Dora the Explorer? Me gusta!"

And everything was back to normal. Except for Vanessa eloping with Karyl, Lambert's new barnyard friends, the still cranky neighbor, and the fact that none of these girls' parents cared enough to be concerned that their under aged daughters were out all night.

**The end!**

**Hope you enjoyed the crackfest.**

**-nym**


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